God is still… God

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10

As a young girl, I had such a creative mind. I had envisioned what my fairytale wedding would look like, what my family dynamic would be, the number of children I’d have, and the dream house that I’d live in. Naturally, these were my own desires. I forgot to factor in what God would have planned for me as well. 

Fast forward to 2016. I had the beautiful opportunity of marrying my best friend, my husband, Keith. It was our intention to enjoy marriage and gain a deeper understanding of each other in the first years of marriage. We weren’t planning to start having kids until we felt we had adjusted enough to each other and were ready to move in that direction. 

It took us about 2 years to feel “ready”, and one day, we had a conversation and wondered what would happen if we just “tried” to have a baby. By God’s grace, we got pregnant on our very first try!! We were elated! The excitement of new life and nerves of the greatest responsibility was placed on us simultaneously. It was such a beautiful experience getting the opportunity to hear our child’s heartbeat and see them bouncing up and down during the ultrasounds. We couldn’t be more grateful to God for this gift. 

The Unfolding

As months went by, the pregnancy began to weigh more and more on my body, but I was assured that things were okay. However, on the early morning of October 18, 2018, I began to feel unbearable pain. It came out of nowhere and woke me up out of my sleep. I spent a few hours trying to find ways to help the pain go away, thinking that I was having Braxton-Hicks contractions. I called my husband for help and immediately he started massaging my back and praying the Word of God over me. He did this for TWO HOURS. The pain subsided enough for us both to take a shower, but soon after, I began bleeding and the panic followed.

We went as fast as we could to get to the car and then to the emergency room. The pain was yet again unbearable. When we arrived at the hospital, we were triaged and a nurse took a Doppler to check for our baby’s heartbeat. She checked and we all couldn’t hear a sound. I began to hold my breath because all I wanted was even the faintest of a heartbeat in order to know that our daughter was okay. Yet again… no sound of a heartbeat. Tears began streaming down my face. I couldn’t believe it. The nurse tried to reassure me that we could check one more time, but even then, there was nothing. The nurse checked my cervix and informed me that I was in labor and had reached 10 centimeters of dilation already.

I was so heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that I’d lost my daughter, that I’d never get to call her by her beautiful name, that I’d never get to build a relationship with her. I was broken. 

I went on to deliver her and in the early moments of her birth, I was afraid to hold her. I didn’t know what to expect. I later gained the courage to look at her and she was so beautiful. 10 fingers, 10 toes, little nose, lips, eyelids, arms, legs, knees, just everything a human body should have. All she needed to do was grow. I couldn’t believe that she was an actual human being that came out of me. 

I think it made my grief worse, yet I was grateful to have met her. Having to leave her at the hospital made me feel like a mother abandoning her child, but my amazing nurse reassured me that she was no longer in that body that I had admired. She was with God. 

Faith Tested

The process of grief was just now beginning. I had so many questions for God. Was there something I had done that made Him feel like I wasn’t fit to be her mom? Did I pray for her too much? I just couldn’t grasp why God would allow this to happen, yet I was reminded to “be still and know that [He] is God.

While still in the height of our grief, we decided to try again for a baby. We desperately wanted to have that opportunity to experience a child in our hands - a breathing child. Although we initially got pregnant on our first try, it didn’t happen for us as easily the next time around. It took over a year of trying. Within that year we had gone through a roller coaster of hope, disappointment, fear, anger, contentment - you name it. We didn’t know what God was doing, but we knew that His plans were foolproof and He knew what was best. 

We finally found out that we were expecting in January 2020. When I had seen the positive pregnancy test, I literally laughed. I had felt so stupid for stressing myself out, worrying if something was wrong with me, and felt bad that I didn’t trust God enough to just let it go. About a month and a half later, we went to our new doctor for our first ultrasound, giddy with excitement. 

As we were watching the ultrasound screen, I noticed that our baby was a bit smaller, but I didn’t think much of it. The technician did a few more checks and told us that she would get our doctor for us. When she came back, our doctor was with her and they did a few more checks together if I remember correctly. 

The ultrasound ended and our doctor sat down to explain that our child had no heartbeat. Once again, tears streamed down my face as the doctor began asking about our history and our first loss. He then gave us some options about how we wanted to handle the miscarriage. So I scheduled a D/C for about a month later. It was my and my husband’s intention to pray intently for a miracle. We even decided to see a specialist to be sure that there truly was not a heartbeat. 

So we prayed and prayed and reminded God that this would be a great time to show Himself in the medical field, and remind doctors that He had the final say. Yet, God chose not to go that route. He assured us that He was a master storyteller and that He didn’t need help with our story. About a week or two later, I naturally passed our baby, starting the day that we went to see the specialist who also confirmed that there was no heartbeat. 

It was hard to grasp that this was happening once again. The remorse that I felt for not trusting God enough seemed to have been in vain. There I was hurt and disappointed, yet again. 

About two months and a few days later, we found out that we were pregnant again. This time around we waited even longer to get to the doctor in case we would lose that one too. It was so hard to be happy and accept the gift that was given to us, but we reminded ourselves that whether or not this baby stayed, it wouldn’t change the fact that God was still God in our lives. 

Our baby continued to grow, and though I would hold my breath at each ultrasound, hoping to hear a heartbeat, I did. I heard a heartbeat each time! I couldn’t be more grateful to God for such a privilege. The journey continued, and our child continued to meet his growth milestones. His kicks were the best feelings ever. By God’s grace, we saw his beautiful face in December of 2020. We ended the year experiencing such a beautiful miracle, two years and two months after our very first tragedy. 

While the journey was bittersweet, God showed us that He is, in fact, the best author. Whether He decided to give us a breathing child or not wouldn’t have changed all of the miracles He allowed to take place in our lives. 

While we may have lost two children, they have still made an impact in this world. Their stories are still being told. Each loss equipped us and made us stronger in our quest to know God more. 

Although our children lived for 21 weeks and 6 days and 8 weeks, respectively, they lived their purpose, even if it wasn’t outside of my womb. God knitted them perfectly and knew what they were going to accomplish. Our human minds always assume that purpose has to be on this side of our world, but it digs much deeper than that. Some purposes impact our inner beings and complete a work WITHIN us. 

I want to remind you that no matter what you’re facing, God is still God. Whether you imagined 12 kids and a mansion or 1 kid and a cottage, God is the best author and His details include a level of suspense that’s worth waiting for. Whether you get what you’ve desired or not, God is still God and so will He remain.

Written by a fragrant vessel of God, Cynthia F. Akita